Seven Ways Dogs Are Better Than Kids and Vice Versa

I have often heard people compare dogs to children.  They usually do this while watching my toddler spin around in circles for no apparent reason, chasing his imaginary tail.  "My dog does that too," they will say perplexed.

Most of these people, of course, do not actually have children of their own, and therefore only make comparisons based on limited observation. Since we’ve had the responsibility of being dog “parents” for a solid month now, I feel it’s my duty to see how dogs and kids actually do measure up to one another. 

For the purpose of this study (which is a highly scientific investigation), I will only be comparing a puppy and a toddler. Older dogs and kids may indeed be comparable, but I don’t have an older dog. I hear they are calmer, much like older children. 

The toddler, Andrew, is 22 months old, and the puppy, Lucky, is about 6 months.

It is true that the toddler and the puppy share many similarities. Both enjoy a good game of fetch, squeaking toys and eating food off the floor.  They both rush to the door, full of joy and excitement, when a parent arrives home-- one squealing "Mama" or "Dada" and the other wagging his tail incessantly.  Both puppy and toddler like to chew on stuff, and they both enjoy going down slides. They both poop-- a lot, and I have to clean it up. They both have peed on my shoes. 

In my house, the toddler and puppy often work as a team to create havoc. Andrew opens the door so the dog can run out into the street, because what’s more fun than watching mommy tearing up and down the road in her pajamas, looking under cars on all fours, and screaming for a dog that won’t come. And sometimes Andrew hands Lucky one Kleenex at a time so that he can shred each one into dozens of tiny pieces. Or for a really good time, Andrew will unload the refrigerator for Lucky to sample its contents. 

Toddler and puppy aggravate each other much like human siblings would do, as well. I have caught Lucky snatching Andrew’s pacifier from his lips and then dodging in and out of chairs as Andrew shrieks in protest and futilely tries to recover his precious binky. Conversely, Andrew prefers to belly-flop on the peacefully sleeping puppy. Lucky, mercifully, tolerates this much better than Andrew tolerates the binky-snatching. 

Unfortunately, the similarities pretty much end there, and what I have learned is that having a puppy and a toddler is a lot like having two toddlers, except when it’s not. The following is a list of very important ways that toddlers and puppies differ. This list is in no way comprehensive, so feel free to enlighten me on more differences.

1. I can’t lock my toddler in the bathroom when I leave the house. Yes, I have thought about it.
2. The puppy never throws his food bowl at me if I select the wrong Puppy Chow.
3. I can leave the puppy inside the car (if it’s not too hot) while I eat out in a restaurant. This is against the rules with toddlers, although the puppy would most likely be better behaved.
4. The puppy does not slap me in the face.
5. The puppy does not need his face washed 10 times a day. For that matter, the puppy doesn’t even need a bath that often.
6. The puppy is not an artist and therefore, does not color on my walls. He does, however, try to eat the crayons that the toddler drops.
7. The puppy sleeps more than the toddler, and when he wakes up he is never grumpy.

Looks like the puppy is winning so far. Hmmm, let me see if I can come up with anything in favor of the toddler. This is going to be tough. 

8. While the puppy will never learn to talk, one day the toddler will master the English language (and hopefully many more) and will declare me to be the “Best Mommy Ever.” It’s going to happen, people.
9. The puppy cannot giggle and decidedly does not like to be tickled. The toddler, on the other hand, has an infectious laugh that melts hearts.
10. The puppy will not take care of me when I’m old.
11. The toddler is smarter than the puppy. For example, the puppy cannot identify his body parts. On a cooperative day, the toddler can.
12. I cannot style the puppy’s hair into a faux hawk. This is most definitely a negative for the puppy, a win for the toddler and a big laugh for me.
13. The toddler can wrap his pudgy little arms around my neck and give me big hugs. The puppy cannot hug back.
14. One day, the toddler will be a man. He may cure cancer, stop global warming, or bring about world peace. The puppy will only ever be a dog.
15. The toddler has his daddy’s eyes. Man, I love those eyes.

I’m not sure what I accomplished here, but it was something.