How We Found Ourselves Surrounded by a Mob of Pantsless Strangers

It’s not every day that you find yourself swept into a flash mob of pantsless hipsters in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater on Hollywood Boulevard, but that’s exactly what happened to us on Chris’s birthday. An estimated 300 Angelenos dropped trou on the subway on Sunday, and we, kids in tow, unwittingly stumbled into their group picture.

But first, let me back up a few days.

I think it was last Tuesday that Chris and I took a silly Facebook quiz that listed 100 places that people should see before they kick the bucket. Being sophisticated globetrotters in the Foreign Service and all, we were certain that we could at least beat the app’s estimated 9 places that most people have seen. We did, but just barely. I had seen 14, but poor Chris only registered a whopping 11. Unfortunately for us, the Tijuana zonkey was not on the list. Who writes these things anyway?

The good news is that Chris and I are young and healthy and hopefully still have many, many years to get to all 100, but since several of the 100 are right next door in beautiful California, we decided we should start sooner rather than later. And since Chris turned old(er than me) last weekend, it was the perfect opportunity to seize the day.

We got in the car and started driving on Saturday with no real agenda other than to find a bathtub. (Our house, like most in Mexico, doesn’t have one, and I really, really miss relaxing soaks at the end of the day.)  When Andrew started running a fever and screaming in his car seat, we remembered why we haven’t traveled much lately. Luckily, a dose of prednisone cured him, and within a couple of hours, he was feeling better, and our weekend was back on track. So that’s how we ended up in L.A. It’s as far as we could get, and Hollywood Boulevard just happened to be on the list of 100.

I had already walked the star-bedecked street before, but Chris, who really had no interest whatsoever in seeing it, had not had the opportunity to do so yet, and I felt it was my duty as his wife on his birthday to force him to do things against his will if such things in the long run would be in his best interest. Hello, this would make Number 12 for him.

We had just exited the car when I noticed the first set of lacy panties complete with garter, and I shrugged it off as a tourist attraction. Then we passed two guys sporting grown-men sized underoos, one with Spiderman splashed across his butt and the other with Superman. Chris and I exchanged glances but again, I just thought, “Crazy Hollywood people.” It wasn’t until we had made it in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater that we realized that we were the only people in the entire group wearing pants.

There was a “gentleman” in full waist coat with monocle who had lost his pants. Another girl sported a pair of undies so tiny you could see her butt crack which was not as “Awesome” as tiny undies declared. Everywhere I looked, I saw butts in all shapes and sizes.

With the help of Google, I later found out that Sunday was the 11^th annual No Pants Subway Ride, and the Los Angeles riders had decided to make a pit stop at Grauman’s Chinese Theater for a group photo, where they crossed paths with us that fateful day. I assumed the event was for charity or some higher purpose, but as it turns out, it was just for fun. Eleven years ago, seven guys rode the subway in New York City as a prank, and today their legend lives on in several cities throughout the world. At the risk of sounding like a “pantsless party” pooper, I hope that one day, these pranksters will use their influence to raise money for a cause and not just to shock unsuspecting tourists.

That afternoon, I snapped the best pictures I could get with uncooperative subjects and half dragged, half led Jacob and Benjy out of the sea of rears. It wasn’t until a seven-foot man wearing skin-tight white boxer briefs walked by me with his junk at my eye level, that I realized how my children truly must have felt:

Scarred For Life.

My apologies, Jacob.

*As you can imagine, I had my hands pretty full keeping up with the boys, so I did not intentionally take photos of the event.  However, if you would like to see exactly what I'm writing about, click here.