Interview with an Eight-Year-Old

Jacob turned eight today, and he is steadily maintaining the lead in the race to be our oldest child. 

I caught up with him this afternoon, lounging couch side, for a quick chat about his plans for the future and his thoughts on life.

Answers from Jacob in yellow. Questions from me in not yellow.

So Jacob, you’re getting pretty old. What do you like most about yourself?  That I have a trampoline.   Let me rephrase. What do you most like about you—your body, your personality?   That I’m nice (scrunches up his nose). P.S. I’m not.   Okay, then. Seriously, what do you most like about yourself?   That I have smelly feet.  Why?  Because they smell bad and make you and Daddy want to throw up.

It seems like you already have everything you could possibly want, you know, with those smelly feet of yours, but if you could have a super power, what would it be? Glowing in the dark.  Why?  Because you could see me when it was dark.  Are you afraid we’re going to lose you?  Yes.   But Jacob, that’s only happened a couple of times, and the last time was two years ago!  Really? I don’t remember that at all.  Oh, you don’t? Forget what I said then.

What do you want to be when you grow up?  A magician so I can do magic tricks and a pilot so I can fly over the air and see lots of things in the sky.   Do you want to be president?   Yes, but I don’t think that’s on my agenda. So let me get this straight. You want to be president, but you don’t think you can work it in?  Yes.  What will you be doing instead?   Maybe being Santa Claus. Santa Claus is pretty awesome.

Seven was a pretty busy year for you. What was the best thing you did this past year?  I can’t think of anything.  So you didn’t do anything good this year?   No, I did some cool stuff. I just don’t remember it. Were you drunk?  No (he says giggling).

What do you plan to do with yourself this eighth year of your life?  I don’t know.   Do you ever think about the future? No, not really. I’m not a philosopher.

They weren't too annoying at the rink today.

You seem like a guy with a lot of patience, but I bet some things just really get on your nerves. What aggravates you the most? Benjy.   Not who. What?  Andrew taking my Lego guys.  But you said Benjy first. Which is it? Benjy or Andrew?  Andrew.   So what you’re saying is that Benjy never bothers you? Well, no.

What do you want the world to know about Jacob?  I only have five senses. Most people have six with common sense, but I don’t have that.

I wowed him with my moves.

Who’s your hero?  You are, Mom.   You do realize that I’ve already given you all your birthday presents, right?  Well, yeah.    So why are you sucking up?  What does that mean...?

We went roller skating for your birthday. How was that?  Awesome.  Are you going to be a professional skater?  Probably not. I’m not a very good skater. It was fun, but it was hard. I fell down a lot.  Why’d you keep falling?   Because I was on wheels. It’s hard to stand up on wheels, because they keep rolling.

A moment on his feet

Tell me Jacob, because your fans are dying to know. Do you like having your birthday on New Year’s Eve? Yes.  Why?  Because I get to stay up until midnight on my birthday.  Will you be celebrating safely today?   Si.   How will you keep your birthday safe?  I don’t know.  So you don’t have any advice for the rest of us?   No, I do. Stay in the safe shack.  Hmmm. What’s the safe shack?  You know, a place where you stay safe.   Like our house?  No, it’s smaller.  Like under a chair?  No bigger.  Like your closet? Yes.  So what you’re saying is that we should lock you in your closet?  No, I would escape, because it only locks from the inside.  Not if we tie you up first.

There you have it folks, another year ended and another age began. This is Lisa, typing from a safe shack in Tijuana, signing off.

Happy Birthday, Jacob!

Because 8-year-olds cook their own breakfast.